So I set up this blog basically to share my life with no-one, and maybe someone. Not for pity or anything, just because at this moment in my life, I don’t have a single person who I feel I can talk to about this stuff. I’m not a very emotionally expressive person at the best of times, but when I have realisations in my life where I need place to talk about this kind of thing just for the sake of being able to talk about it.
I’ve been through a few ups and downs in recent years. But most recently I’ve come to the realisation that I’m not the person I want myself to be. My friends are not the people I want them to be. I want to be someone else but felled trapped because of my current friends and my place in the social spectrum. I’d say I’d like to be different, but I don’t think I could change, and that’s what’s getting to me – and I hate that – I do want to change my life, how I live, how I act, how I socialise, how I dress, how I look. But I can’t, that’s not “me” as some I know would say. It may not be me, but it’s the me I want to be.
I’ve become set in my ways, complacent in the fact that now at 24, I can’t change my entire life, I can’t change who is in my life. So why should I even try. I’m kind of happy sometimes. Maybe that’s what life is, maybe that’s what my life is. Being me isn’t great alot of the time, but there’s a few times where I wouldn’t have wanted things to change. But those few times are outweighed and I think about it most of my days.
I will change, or will I. Probably not. But maybe I will.
Who am I supposed to be? Who will I be?